Anono-Momma - Mrs. Do-It-All

Years ago when my kids wear younger I was so busy trying to 'do-it-all'.  I was really busy doing Fly Lady, and trying my hardest to organize, declutter and 'Finally Loving Yourself'.  I was also trying to get my five year old to be a bit more self reliant. AKA. not having mom do everything for her.

I was busily getting the house in shape before we left my part time job in the afternoon. I had the machines humming, was swifting away at the dust on the shelves when I told her to go ahead and change out of her play clothes into nicer clothing to go to Mommy's work.  (She had been playing outside all morning and she had more than a bit of dirt on her current outfit.

I then got distracted decluttering a drawer and didn't realize what time it was....

Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Tick....

Next thing I knew, I looked up at the clock and we were due to be at my work in 30 minutes and it is a 40 minute drive with traffic!

'Quick!', I yelled.
'Get in the car, we are LATE!!!'.

My five year old scurried to the car as I swiped up my 3 year old from her nap and quickly buckled them into their seats and off we went on the highway to my work.  As I am driving I realize that they had dirt smudges all over them from playing outside, so I quickly grab the wet-wipes from the front glove compartment and cleverly told them we were having a contest to see, 'who can show me the dirtiest wet wipe'.

I thought to myself I am so smart!

They quickly got wiping and had the shiniest faces, arms, hands, legs and feet!

I am in fact Mrs. Do-it-all!

I was excited to see that the traffic was light and we would make it on time.

YES!  That's right... I have it all under control.

Get to my work, unload the kiddos, check them into the on-sight daycare and stroll off to work, in full knowledge that I have done everything I need to do.

When I get done with my job, just a few short hours later, I go to check the kiddos out of the daycare and I am met by the daycare director.  She tells me that she needs to talk to me about a delicate subject.

We go off to the side so that the other parents could check their children out.  And then she says, 'Can you please make sure to put underwear on your daughter before she comes to daycare.  We had a very unfortunate incident where the children were play fighting and your daughters dress flipped up and she was wearing nothing underneath'.

O.M.G.

I apologized profusely and assured her that normally she DOES wear underwear but that she had gotten herself dressed and must have forgotten.

It was at that point that I made a mental 'Note to self'.
Always check your children before leaving the house, for simple things like...

1. Cleanliness
2. Shoes
3. UNDERWEAR!

-Mrs. Do-it-all
(Either Pester or Scrappy.... we will leave you to wonder).
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Anono-Momma...Kids and Anatomy

Over this last Thanksgiving holiday, my kids and I went to go and visit some family. You know how it goes...

"Are we there yet?"

"I need to pee, Mom!"

"How much longer?"

And through it all...I am driving...

and driving....

and driving some more.

"Are we there?"

"Can we go home? This is taking forever!!"

Now, I actually have to pee, I am in the middle of nowhere and desperately looking for a bathroom. Can't find one anywhere...Ughhhh!

When my kids start talking about body hair...whatevs...bathroom! Yes! Jackpot!

I butt into my kids conversation and announce,"Everyone get their shoes on, we are stopping for a minute for a drink and to use the restroom." They all follow orders and are putting on their shoes. I pull in and get out. My two big kids get out of the car as I am unbuckling my 5 year old out of his car seat. He hops to the ground and asks me a question.

"Do you know what is REALLY hairy Mom?" Clearly forgetting their previous chatter...I ask "What,son?"

"V**inas!" he replies. "What? Stop it!" We are now walking into the gas station, and there are people around.

"V**inas are the hairiest things EVER!" he repeats. "Stop talking about v**inas!" I quietly tell him in a WAY stern voice. Because of course, now, people are looking.

"Do you know who has the hairiest vagina?" he asks...clearly not listening to my command of "Stop talking about va**nas"...

So I repeat..."Stop talking about va**nas!!!!"

"Daddy's v**ina is the hairiest!" he exclaims.

"Son! I don't want to hear about Daddy's v**ina right now!"

This is where the conversation FINALLY ended...BUT of course, at this point, we were IN the gas station. *SIGH*

-Mortified Momma of 3

Reader Submitted

*Have your kids ever said anything to embarass you? We want to hear about it :)

Anono-Momma Thanksgiving

Let's just start this out by saying, I was young. I was sooooo young. I think I was only 21. My new husband and I were just starting out and we were enjoying playing house so much, I thought it would be fun to do Thanksgiving at our new place and invite my family to our house.

Doesn't that sound exciting?

We had just moved to another state, so the only people who could actually make the trip was my Mom and my Grandma. But still, so excited! My first Thanksgiving! I did so much research...looked in magazines...read Betty Crocker (this was before the internet folks). Made my list, and off to the store to get all my supplies.

Oh...and did I mention I was pregnant? With our first child...

My Mom and Grandma flew in on Thanksgiving Day. Dear Hubby tidied up the house while I tirelessly worked on dinner. Got the turkey in the oven, pies made the night before and we were off to pick up my Mom and Grandma from the airport.

Oh Joyous reunion! So happy! We must hurry home to our scrumptious feast! All I had left to do was make mashed potatoes and green bean casserole. The turkey should be just about finished by the time we get home. Perfect!

We got home, I rushed in the door, excitedly opened the oven to show my Mom and Grandma my newly discovered cooking skills and there it was!

Wait...what?

The turkey....it is still pink....and COLD.

Shoot! I need a diversion! Can't show THIS turkey...not now at least. "Wine anyone?" Oh, yes! Mom and Grandma happily accept. So, now as I begin peeling the potatoes I am updating everyone on everything hubby and I have done to the place, but in doing so, I am holding back hormonal tears as I am trying to not let on to what is going on with the turkey. At which point, my Mom offers her help. She opens the oven and seems perplexed.

She reaches in...feels the turkey. "Honey, this thing is COLD!" "I know" I reply, "It has been cooking since this morning, I think we are just a little behind schedule, maybe it will be done in an hour...just enough time for the potatoes and I will pop the casserole in afterwards."

"How long did you thaw it?"she asks. "Thaw it? I didn't thaw it, I put it in frozen this morning."

At this point, she tells me it will never be ready...well today at least. Who knew you were supposed to thaw a turkey? Why in the world would they sell it to you frozen? I never read about thawing it....Come on Betty Crocker...where was that in the book??? And now the tears are flowing. "Oh honey, it is okay....I will take care of this, sit down with Grandma." So, off I go, out of the kitchen.

As we are trying to figure out what we are going to do, Grandma starts telling stories. Apparently the glass of wine and lack of food are starting to get to her because her stories aren't exactly...how should I say it? "Grandma-ey stories" I am starting to get a little embarassed because my husband doesn't know her all that well yet....as she begins recalling one particular story about newly hatched chickens.

Meanwhile my Mom is frantically calling every grocery store, and restaurant in the area and nothing is open...nothing. Until she comes across a pizza place...pizza? L.A.M.E. I feel like such a total failure now.

Now, back to Grandma's story. It was winter and apparently it is too cold in the winter for the baby chicks outside. So they kept them inside, in the oven? This is going downhill and fast. They kept the oven on very low to keep them warm. When her Mom forgot. Yes, forgot. Turned the oven up to warm it up because she had some baking to do. When she felt it was sufficiently warm, she opened the oven to a tray full of fried chicks. And now Grandma laughs. Like big belly laughs. She spills her wine. Grandma is drunk. Dead chicks aren't funny. But Grandma is laughing.

What are we doing? Well, we are waiting for pizza and looking for some crackers for poor drunk story telling Grandma....

The pizza came....2 1/2 hours later....

Nobody has been to my house for Thanksgiving since.

(We also now wait for the food to serve the wine....)

- Betty Crocker Wannabe (reader submitted)

Anyone else have a horrible thanksgiving story they would like to share? Click comment below :)

Anono-Momma.... My little secret

I will start this out by saying thank goodness for Anono-Momma!
This is something that I would never admit to anyone.

Never.

Sadly, after having my two children my bladder is not what it used to be. If I laugh, sneeze, cough or sometimes even wait just a bit too long; you guessed it, I am in need of a full lower outfit change. Not only is it totally embarrassing but it is totally annoying!

Recently, I went back to work part time, (now that the oldest is in full time Kindergarten, I decided to pop the 2 year old into 'pre-school').  With my children being in 'school' they of course brought home all sorts of great germs to share. During this particular story I had been fighting off a dreadful head cold with an arsenal of netti pot, medicated nasal sprays, and cold medication all of which makes me horribly dried out and dehydrated.

To sum it up... I was thirsty.

I stopped on my way home from work to get the BIGGEST Iced Tea I could get my hands on at the local drive through.  I gulped that sucker down in nothing flat.

I was STILL thirsty.

At the next light I spied another drive through, and I thought what the heck, I just have to get on the highway go two exits and then I will be able to use the restroom when I picked the kids up.

I pulled in and ordered my second BIGGEST Iced Tea I could get my hands on, as I started to slurp this gigantic, cold yummy goodness down, I had just a twinge of  'I have to pee', but me being me decided it is okay, I am going to push it and get to the kids school as quickly as I can.  I maneuver back into traffic, and onto the on ramp to the highway and just as I am next to merge from the on ramp to the actual Highway.... screech ..... BAM!  An accident happens right up ahead. And then everyone stops dead.

I will admit it, I started to regret my two ultra large drive through iced teas at that very moment as the sweat beads popped up on my scalp line and the twinge of, "I have to pee", became a low throb.  I squirmed in my seat as I surveyed the traffic situation.  Maybe, I could back up and get off the on ramp?  That might have been possible, but there were at least 10 cars behind me, and 10 cars in the row beside me, and I am in the lane directly merging into traffic.

UGH!

Cars are creeping forward, trying to get around the 4 car pile up in front of us and creating an even bigger traffic jam.  I am now dancing in my seat, trying my hardest to get the urge to go away, when I hear the sirens blaring from the rescue vehicles who are driving on the shoulder beside us to get to the accident.

I sat there watching them pondering, could I perhaps drive up on the shoulder honking my horn and just get by this mess?

Thirty minutes later.

Still sitting.

I call the kids school to let them know I will be late...

I am in A.G.O.N.Y!

I am frantic.. no joke, I need to go so badly, I have tears in my eyes.  I think of every scenario I could to relieve myself.

Maybe, if I get out and just walk back down the on ramp and across the street to the drive through restaurant, I can get back in time to edge forward the next inch when traffic moves again?

Are there bushes on the side of the road?  

Is this worthy of calling 911 for? I really need to PEE!!!

Any minute they will clear this accident and I will be there.... any minute!

Nope... 10 more excruciating minutes pass.

Done. I am done. I HAVE to PEE... NOW!!!  I look around in the car for something, anything that might help my situation when I spy the DIAPER BAG!

Genius.

I grab the bag and frantically search inside.  Eureka, I find that life saving invention with the thrill of a Gold Panner hitting the jack pot!  Quickly, I grab it out, open it up, slide it underneath myself, (as I carefully adjust my skirt and 'other items'), and then I let go....

AH!

Seriously, it felt so good, I couldn't even be embarrassed.

And then wouldn't you know it!!!  The traffic literally started to move.

When I got 2 exits down, I pulled into my kids school parking lot, take the soiled diaper and toss it in the trash can and quickly adjust my clothes with my reflection from the front windows of the main building, scurrying inside to clean myself up before I great my kids.

And here is my little secret.
From that day forward, I have always carried an 'emergency diaper' in my glove box.

-Pee Emergency Momma
(Reader Submitted)

Anono-Momma....Preggo Brain with Pets

One of the best, (hear the sarcasm?), parts of pregnancy is the ability to forget anything and everything.

This stems into all facets of life.

"Did I eat breakfast today?"
"When did I last brush my teeth?"
"Do I have a Dr.'s appt. today?"
"Did I pick my kid up from school yet?"

Seriously, this is how it is; no sugar coating it, you loose your mind and gain the infamous pregnancy brain.

The biggest problem with this scenario is if you have pets and/or kids. If you do...God help them. Because they are on their own. They are lucky if you can remember to change a diaper, let alone feed them.

Occasionally you will start to wonder....when was the last time they had a bath?  Sniff, sniff.... they kinda smell.  Let me investigate....I see dirt smudges on their knees, fuzz between their toes, and their hair is crunchy at the ends from breakfast of pancakes and syrup (F.O.U.R. days ago)... it's time for another bath!

Yep, you ALL know what I am talking about.
...you know you do, (whether you want to admit it or not).

In my pregnancies I have a tendancy to not want to take in any new information. With this intake...there is always a loss/output. You catch yourself wondering, what important information am I going to lose if I take in something new? AND what if it is something important...like one of my kids names??? No, really... I am TOTALLY serious, I have wondered that.

When I was pregnant with baby #4, I was sicker than I'd ever been before. I had been throwing up for weeks, with no reprieve. Thankfully, my brilliant O.B. prescribed a special little 'magic pill' called Zofran. This magical pill almost starts working instantly;  and the minute it hits your system, you feel like a human being again, (well, at least for about four hours).

Zofran IS my best friend during pregnancy.

One morning, I woke up in a haze of gagging fits, excessive saliva, lack of coffee, hair askew, and kiddos clamoring for breakfast. With an impending vomit-fest looming ahead of me, I desperately searched for my "magic-human" pill. It was still dark...but with my three other kids already awake, sleep wasn't on my radar. This had been the beginning of my days since I found out I was pregnant. Now my relaxing morning coffee, was officially replaced with a frantic search for the "magic-human" pill.

Did I mention we have a dog?
(It's kinda important to this story).
Let's name him Fluffy.

Fluffy has epilepsy. Fluffy also gets a daily "magic" pill. If Fluffy misses a pill...Fluffy has seizures.

So, as I sift through the medication drawer in my haze, I find Fluffy's pills and mine. EUREKA!  I will give him his now too, so I won't forget! I am so smart, (I think to myself), I really have a handle on things this pregnancy.

I give him his, and then I take mine.

And....we wait....

Ughhhh...."Why is my magic-human pill not working today???"

Puke, puke, more puke...
Grumbling, I think, "I don't have time for this!"

Meanwhile...Fluffy has a seizure.
What in the world?

Now, let me explain something, Fluffy's seizures are not dangerous. This is not a major condition. It is just something we deal with, actually quite often.
...so don't you worry about Fluffy folks.

I give him another pill.

And at the same time, I am wondering, what in the world, about me!

My "magic-human" pill is still not working. Why? oh why???

Then it hits me!

"OHHH NOOO!!!"

I frantically call the O.B.....and with a shrill sound in my voice I say, shakingly....."Hello...this is Anono-Momma...I accidentally took my dog's anti-seizure medicine instead of my magic-human pill this morning!!!", fighting tears, I wait, cringing for his response.

To my surprise, thankfully, he assures me that everything is okay! His medication, is actually the same pill humans take when they have epilepsy.

My next question of course to him is "Will it hurt my baby?"

His response, "It is fiiiiine.....you are fine...and guess what? You won't have any seizures today!"  (Ha, ha, ha... you are sooooooo funny Mister O.B.!  AND apparently fluffy won't be nauseous for the next 4 hours, either.)

Fabulous,  now that we have that problem figured out, where the heck is my magic-human pill again?

Pregnancy Brain at it's best.

~Preggo Brain Momma
(Reader Submitted)

Anono-Momma...What kind of children's books do you keep in your house?

My little darling, (let's call her Rascal for all intensive purposes), was in kindergarten. She was always getting into things; particularly things she knew she wasn't supposed to get into. One of the biggest "off-limit" items was our one-car detached garage.

At some point, Rascal found her way into our "off limits" garage and happened upon a stack of VERY old Playboy magazine's from the 60's my Dad had collected. I somehow had became the owner of them several years before. Rascal of course was fascinated by them, so she grabs one and scampered off, hiding it in her room. Unbeknownst to me of course.

Well, along comes share day, (you see where this is going, don't you)? I usually screen what they are sharing. However,  on this particular day Rascal's big sister was having a melt-down over the clothes she was wearing and my pre-schooler was begging for her favorite breakfast (pancakes). I asked Rascal what she was bringing for share day and she told me her favorite doll. Okay...no worries, right? WRONG.

Towards the end of the day I get a call from the principle asking me to come down to the school for "A Meeting."

 ( I swear this is like something out of the show "The Middle") 

I ask if everything is okay? He assures me no one is hurt and everything is okay, however, he just needs to discuss a "delicate situation" with me. Thinking the worst, that maybe Rascal had peed her pants or something.  I hurry down to the school ready to hug my little darling, and tell her this happens to everyone...etc. etc...Only to walk into the office and be confronted with the principle whipping out a Playboy Magazine MY daughter brought to school for show-and-tell.

I was speechless!

I got a bit of a lecture about inappropriate reading content in the home. I tried to explain they came from my "off limits" garage...
Not IN the house, blah, blah, blah, but he really didn't seem to care.

THEN, here comes the best part...as if trying to call my bluff...
He asks, "Do you want it back??"

"No! Are you kidding? Trash it!" Red-faced and chastened, I left the principal's office and proceeded to ask Rascal about it when she came home from school.

"Mommy, there are pretty ladies in it", Rascal tells me.
......Ummmm, okay.
Again, left speechless.

Luckily, as far as Playboy goes, at least it was from the 60's.
...just topless woman...but STILL!
Playboy?
For sharing?
In a kindergarten class?
M.O.R.T.I.F.I.E.D.

-Momma to Rascal
(Reader Submitted)

*Just a random thought... I wonder if the Principal actually did throw away that collectors Playboy Magazine?  Makes you go hmmmmm.